Friday, February 17, 2012

How to Be Happy

The thing about feeling down is that is goes away when you work at it. I'm not talking about actual depression. That stuff takes actual counseling, sometimes medication. But doldrums? Work. Work for someone else, preferably. But you've got to be able to overcome the down to make yourself get back up again. Very tricky!

My darling son is sometimes a trigger for unhappy thoughts (will you please, please just stop wiggling, stop needing to be rocked,stop wanting attention and let me sleep?!) but more often he is a big source of joy and laughter. Mr. Distractable has recently become enamored of me (more than he already was, if that's possible) and has taken to staring lovingly at me while he eats instead of eating. He latches on, sucks enough to get the milk really strongly flowing, then looks up at me suddenly, making sure I'm still there. Those big, black eyes peer up, all innocent-like. And milk sprays all over his cheek, his eye, his ear, and my front. Thank you.

I would like to explain to him, "Kid, your food and I? We're well attached. As long as you're eating, I'm not going anywhere." But still he stares.

Then goes down to latch on agai--PSYCH! Hi, Mommy!

Now it's time to tuck in--Gotcha! You still there?

...Until I give up and hand him over to the less-mammarily-gifted adult to deal with, because I am done.

But you can only stay mad at this face for so long.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Don't Say the D-word.

Here I was, sitting bored, when the thought occurred to me: I’m not really interested in my blogs anymore. It was surprisingly startling to me, especially given the recent weeks in which I’ve been reading only to keep the unread count manageable. Sure, they’re interesting still. My favorite writers haven’t changed very much; I have.

I thought on this news with a small inking of hope. Maybe this means I’m at the threshold of a new phase, one marked by productivity and prolific blogging and fabulous mothering. Then I thought again. That sounds like a lot of work. Tired all the time? Check (though unnoticed, what with the three-month-old who doesn’t nap long enough for me to fall asleep). Unmotivated? Check. Uninterested in things that used to interest me? Check. Irritable? Holy cow, check-check-check. Irrationally anxious? Check. Hopeless? Not quite there yet. At least not all the time.

I really don’t want to be dealing with life and the many challenges it presents. And yet, life goes on.

Enough about the symptoms. How do I fix this case of the doldrums?

Step number one: exercise. I know that. I may hate the fact that that’s the best first step, but I know it. After that, I’m not sure. I don’t want to go out and join new, fun groups (being with people and making conversation can be stressful. I don’t even answer the phone if I can). I don’t have the money to join the Y or something like that. But mostly, I just don’t want to put out effort. I am tired. Uncomfortable things, though good for my health, are still uncomfortable. Any thoughts, internet?


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